“What do you mean her hand is broken?”
My mom is staring at the X-ray pinned to the light box hanging on the exam room wall.
“…she hasn’t complained. Not once this week.“
She sounds so confused.
I know this isn’t the moment to remind her how I had been told my birthday would be canceled. If I said one more word.
The day I perfected my backflip, I cried so loudly. When I fell awkwardly practicing how far I could push it.
I had run to her like a baby. It hadn’t mattered I would be turning 12 in exactly 7 days.
I cried and cried about the pain. My hand never hurt so badly. No pain I ever felt hurt that badly, for a long time to come.
And she told me to stop crying or I wouldn’t get to celebrate my birthday. I wouldn’t get to go to Elitch’s. Even though I was convinced dad had planned the band’s performance, there & then, just so I could enjoy a super special day. Elitch Gardens was the closest thing to Disneyland I could imagine, and it was in Denver!
Confused, I stay quiet.
I listen about how my bones already set wrong. Because we waited too long to address them.
“…it’s just your hand.”
I was reminded during the car ride back to the hotel. “lucky it wasn’t your right…” she faded into humming along with the Eagles on the radio.
Thank goodness that mohawk-ed, tattooed, half toothless amusement park ride operator noticed my hand was swollen to the size of a baseball mitt. Thank goodness he embarrassed my mom by refusing to allow me to ride his ride. Thank goodness he shamed her into taking me to the doctor.
Do You know the moment you recognized your greatest good wasn’t worth fighting for?
Do you know the day you decided your well-being didn’t count?
Do you remember what made you stop doubting you mattered?
Do you remember when you accepted feeling worthless?
Me too…
And it’s not our fault.
It never was.
You are worth medical care.
You are worth safety and comfort.
You are worthy of enjoying the life you have survived!
I have been there, and I’m telling you, there is a way out.
There is a way out of the darkness.
There is a pathway to freedom.
You can feel safe.
You can feel loved.
It’s not your fault.