2's-Day Truth ~ Gratitude

Gratitude, in my opinion, is probably the most misunderstood feeling/emotion there is. 

It is so very overly hyped as THE solution to everything. There are even commercials now with catchy jingles suggesting what it should look like and even how we should express it.

A few years ago, I heard a physician tell my husband, at his darkest and most distraught about his physical and mental condition, to simply ‘find gratitude’.

He meant well; he may have even been correct. BUT…what the ever loving !@#? is that to tell a disabled combat veteran suffering suicidal ideation?

The problem with society’s limiting beliefs about gratitude are the rosy, unrealistic impressions we are given to believe that it happens during the best of times. That gratitude somehow arises from so much happiness, such joy, that it becomes physically impossible not to express it to another for how awesome they’ve made our life.

Well, that’s a bunch of bull…

Let me tell you the truth about gratitude and where it actually comes from.

True gratitude is most easily felt, most quickly understood, in a moment of utter dismay, absolute awfulness; when you truly breathe a sigh of relief, grateful that ‘things aren’t worse’.  

Have you ever been in such a situation that you realized just how friggin’ lucky you were that things didn’t go even one-step worse? Perhaps an almost car accident, when the adrenaline is pumping throughout every fiber of your existence, as you look around at how closely you actually came to losing it all? 

It is technically in a moment of one’s deepest despair that they can most easily recognize and connect to a genuine feeling of gratitude.

At 19, living in that broken-down van in Mexico, I was simply grateful that the alcoholic with anger issues who was twice my age making every single decision for me, couldn’t determine if the sun rose or set each day. That’s why I was so amazingly grateful to be able to watch with awe and appreciation each and every time it happened. That was the ONE thing he couldn’t decide for me, couldn’t control!

So, as you begin to recognize, at your very lowest, that things could actually be worse…say a tiny thank you. To the universe, to fates, to a God of your understanding – be grateful for whatever you recognize could have been worse, for not having been! 

What you focus on grows.

This truth of the brain will be an underlining theme of all truths going forward. 

(It is the truth of all truths.)

As you recognize that you are genuinely grateful for things not being worse, you may slowly find a bit of hope in that feeling. It will surprisingly feel good – gratitude, feels good! 

Not the expression of gratitude, but the feeling of true gratitude. It isn’t about what another has or has not done for you, it is about what is or is not occurring - at any given moment. Gratitude is a meta-emotion, rather than a direct cause and effect emotion as the goofy commercials of happy daughters hugging sad dads suggests.

Most were trained to say ‘thank you’ as children, as an obligation. Almost like pets, we performed without understanding. Given something, say ‘thank you.’ Given a compliment, say ‘thank you.’ Offered an unrequested kindness, ‘no; thank you, anyway.’

‘Be grateful’ was essentially a command that we performed as children without any understanding, without any connection, to what it meant or why we were doing it. 

No wonder we are so easily disconnected from gratitude’s truth as adults!

Now, here is the most uncomfortable truth about gratitude; those with the most to be grateful for, tend to find it the hardest to recognize and express.

There is an unfortunate paradox between entitlement and gratitude. 

If you have ever seen this example in the extreme, you know what I mean. “No daddy, I wanted a BLUE BMW…not a RED one!”

This does not only happen in places like Aspen, nor only with things like luxury vehicles.

The most grateful people I’ve ever been around, typically, had the least in life. They expected the least, so they were grateful for the most!

I truly believe the only givens, the only guarantees, in this experience called life is the first breath and the final breath.

So, between the first and final breaths, everything that is experienced is either a blessing or a curse – depending on the breather’s perspective. (Or for the truly evolved…it simply, is.)

The good news? 

There really is good news regarding gratitude!!!

Gratitude, technically, creates joy. 

The confusion that joy makes people grateful may be the biggest lie society has ever been allowed to misunderstand as truth!!!

The very most important tidbit of information to understand about gratitude is that it is the precursor for joy, NOT the other way around! 

That’s right, gratitude makes people happy and joyful. It is not joy or happiness that makes people grateful!

So, for those of us trying to learn to create the state of mind we want (rather than accepting the state of mind we’ve inherited from life) we know finding things to be grateful for will actually manufacture the feelings of joy and happiness that we long for so desperately.

No amount of food, alcohol, drugs, or sex can match the happy high provided by gratitude!

Seriously, after enough practice! Go ahead, think of the aspect of your life you are currently the absolute MOST frustrated by. The area of your life that rides your conscious mind no matter what else you are doing to distract it. Yep, THAT! 

Now, find something to be grateful about with regard to the situation…you can do it. Even if it only comes out as, “I’m grateful this shit-show isn’t worse!” By activating your brain in this way, it will begin letting you know about other things it can relate to gratefully. Because, what is focused on grows! As you continue allowing your brain to exercise this perspective the more accomplished it will become at it. And the happier you will become, ironically.

I told you a story about this working for me at 19…let me tell you about a time it didn’t work for me exactly 10 years later. After 9/11, instead of seeing how lucky I was to have missed the bullet by as closely as I did, all I could see was how close I had technically come. All I could focus on was how bad it really was, rather than how lucky I was it wasn’t even one bit worse.

Literally, one simple decision I made kept me from experiencing things 100X worse.

Unfortunately, I chose to focus on the two little things that made me feel certain I was absolutely to blame for having experienced it at all.

What we focus on grows. 

If only I had focused on the fact that I was neither directly under the jumpers or still confusedly trying to figure out what was going on as the buildings began to fall (as could have easily been the result of one different choice.) Rather, I focused on the ‘proof’ that if I weren’t so spoiled and lazy, I wouldn’t have been there at all.

 So, it took me about 17 years longer than it needed to take, just to make it out of the darkness.

It isn’t a matter of positive or negative thoughts…it is about which perspective will make you feel grateful, that will breed unexpected results of joy and happiness. 

As with forgiveness, start small and begin to practice as often as you are able, to become as good at this as you want to become. You can practice until you are grateful for every breath, if you want. Or simply a little bit happier about your experience called life. 

If you need a bit of guidance on this technique, reach out; I love to help!

Enjoy your day; and remember, the next time you are trying not to cry over spilt milk, try celebrating you had milk to spill! 

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